Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org
This is Adam.
Adam, this is Cliff.
How do you do?
I do fine, Adam.
How about yourself? You, uh...
doing any good lately?
Go home, Cliff, wherever that might be.
Sheena Gilroy's apartment.
You remember her. She's the model who went to Harvard.
Well, I'd better be going.
Bye, Adam.
-Nice coat. -Thank you, Cliff.
It was very nice to meet you.
That's a nice parking job, too.
May I ask you a question?
He's a former boyfriend.
We lived together for about six months...
and, yes, I still have sort of a thing for him.
That's what you wanted to know, isn't it?
No. I was going to ask you...
why Cliff likes to wear another man's underpants.
What?
This guy is unbelievable.
I knew you'd like him.
I know. It's like he's from "X Files" or something.
He's got all these easily negotiable properties, right?
And he's obviously setting up something big--
maybe a self-sustaining island off the coast of South America.
Or maybe he's the leader of some cult...
that's into practices involving poultry and pipe tobacco.
You have very nice ceilings.
-Do l? -Mm-hmm.
Well...
you like ceilings?
Not particularly.
Ah. Well, I hope you like this.
It's fresh sea urchin wrapped in seaweed.
I love sushi.
I love Lucy.
Who doesn't? She's hilarious.
Here you go-- one champagne cocktail.
Oh, thank you.
I thought only hookers drank those things.
Well, I know Mom sure likes them.
Well, dinner's in fifteen. Why don't we sit down and chat?
So, Troy, what do you do for a living?
Oh, I design web sites.
And, Adam...
where on Earth are you from?
Out of town. That's all he'll say.
It's a very small place.
People don't even know it's there.
And it's called?
Maybe Eve can guess.
She's psychic.
Is she?
Since when?
Since I got rear-ended in Palm Springs.
Well, then, Miss Dionne Warwick...
why don't you tell us what town he's from?
All right. Give me your hand.
Oh, Lord.
I'm not promising anything.
-Are you OK? -Mm-hmm.
I see snow--
lots of snow...
way up north.
-Are we getting hot? -Yes...
You live in Alaska...
and the only way in and out of your place is by plane.
And you definitely came here for food and supplies...
and to find a wife.
That was right?
Got goosebumps all over me.
I'm clairvoyant, butthead.
Why wouldn't you just go to Nome...
to get supplies and a wife?
Isn't that a lot closer?
Yeah, right. That's where you'd go to find girls--
Nome.
He's gay, by the way.
Well, good for you.
Well, we try.
Can I ask you some questions?
When did Alaska become a state?
1959.
And who owned it before we did?
Russia.
And when did we get it from them?
1867--Seward's folly.
We purchased it for seven point two million dollars--
a tidy sum then as well as now.
I'm quoting my father, of course.
All right, what's the state capital?
Juneau.
Hello? It's Anchorage. Gotcha.
Sorry. That's the largest city.
Where's he going?
He's going to check your answers on his computer.
He has a computer?
-Sure. -In the house?
No, actually, it's in the backyard.
Of course it's in the house. It's in there.
-May I be excused, please? -Yeah.
Thank you.
Who are you?
I'm the mother.
It's the mother!
Troy, I suppose those tall buildings...
we saw this morning are new?
Yeah. Almost all of them, anyway.
The recovery's impressive.
Recovery?
Oh, yeah. They rebuilt the freeway in only six months.
-Really? -Uh-huh.
That's amazing. I'm very impressed.
-Oh, well, that's impressive. -Are you sure I look OK?
Oh, trust me, you look fabulous.
Thank you, Troy.
So, what do you think?
It works.
Maybe I should show you the entire trousseau--
shirts, sweaters, socks, the whole thing.
No. First, let's show her these.
Eve, can I skate around your block?
How about it, Eve?
-Can he skate around your block? -No.
Just a few laps.
It won't take long.
Look.
Adam, will you go skate on the bike path?
-Where? -The bike path. It's over there.
God, I wish I could wear those pants.
All right, girl, hit that ball.
I get it.
I finally get it.
You have to see it to understand it.
Because he must.
Haven't you ever heard the saying...
"He hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain"?
You know...
my father, who is a scientist...
says that everything is a miracle.
Everything.
Until recently, I wasn't sure what he meant by that.
No kidding. Listen...
you still want to go girl hunting tonight?
Oh, yes, I certainly do.
But, I mean, you know...
this whole business of finding you a wife...
it's pretty ridiculous, don't you think?
-No, it isn't. -Yes, it is.
A girlfriend, maybe, but a wife, it's...
Well, then help me find a girlfriend. That's all I ask.
I'll tell you what. I'll give you every single card I've got.
Screw you. You think I'm just somebody you can buy off?
I didn't mean that at all.
Eve, you're my best friend.
Would you do it because you're my very best friend?
Thank you, Eve.
Well, why did we park way back there?
She doesn't allow total strangers to drive her car.
-What? -Ladies first, Troy.
-That was close. -Uh-huh.
My goodness gracious, this place is something.
Look unimpressed.
Yeah, bored, even.
Try vaguely bored.
Unimpressed, but still interested.
Not crazy.
-Do I look crazy? -Yes.
Just, uh, be loose.
-Just be yourself. -That's always good advice.
Well, for him. It doesn't work with the rest of us.
Of all the clubs in all the towns in all the world...
you walk into mine.
So welcome to Club 40's...
where the party never stops.
Ah, Jason, Jonathan...
this is Adam. Adam, that's them.
Hi. How do you do?
It's very nice to meet you, Jason and Jonathan.
My mother always said...
that when you meet someone for the first time...
it's always easier to remember their names...
if you use those names right away, Jason and Jonathan.
He's from Alaska.
Hi there, Eve.
Who's the hunk?
Get lost, Sophie.
Hi. I'm Sophie.
Hi. How do you do? I'm Adam Webber.
Adam lives in Alaska.
No shit?
-Vous parlez français? -Oui.
Moi, je parle un peu français.
Oh, you speak beautiful French.
J'ai habite à paris un an.
Paris-- c'est la vie des lumieres...
-n'est-ce pas? -Oui.
-C'est le pays d'amour. -Bien sur.
C'est bien que je vous aie rencontree...
Parce que je n'ai pas eu la chance de pratiquer.
Si tu veux, nous pouvons pratiquer...
Beaucoup de choses ensemble.
Tais-toi.
Au revoir.
Je m'appelle Adam Webber.
Quit showing off. We're here on business.
I thought we were here to meet women.
-Not that one. -I like her.
Now, Sophie, when you fly to Paris...
do you check these, or are they carry-on?
They're carry-on.
Excuse me.
What are you drinking?
Oh, this is a Rob Roy.
It's a very popular drink I'm told.
How about her?
No way.
Why not? l--I think she's very attractive.
She's got "bitch" written all over her.
You do know what "bitch" means, don't you?
Well, yes, I do. I do have a dictionary...
but I can't understand for the life of me...
why you would say that about her...
or why Cliff would say that about you.
I think for you we should aim for...
sweet.
OK. I like that.
Yeah, sweet.
That's a lovely way of putting it.
There's Miss Sweet over there by the hors d'oeuvres table.
Look.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Could be.
Yeah, go on, Romeo. Say hello.
She looks like a non-mutant to me.
OK. All right.
What do I say to her?
Oh, say something surprising...
something funny--
Lie, if need be.
-Lie? -Oh, yeah.
Lying can be a very effective dating tool.
All right.
Here I go.
I don't think I want to watch this.
Surprising and funny.
Well, I know "the duck who bought some lip balm."
Lie.
I was wondering if you could help me.
I, um, seem to have lost...
my Congressional Medal of Honor...
around here somewhere.
Now, that's a great one.
This is my new friend.
-Adam Webber. -Hi. I'm Heather.
I don't believe I've ever heard that name before.
Yeah, do you dance?
Why, I took a dance lesson every day of my life...
up until a couple of days ago.
-You're kidding. -No, no, I did.
Shall we dance?
-Sure. -Yeah?
Wait for me.
Is that your girlfriend?
No, no. Will you please excuse me?
You -- you go to the bathroom.
What, right here?
I thought I should check. You're being so bossy.
Thank you both very much for the dance.
Thank you.
I have to go to the bathroom.
-You wanted to see me? -You're not from Alaska.
Where the hell did you learn to dance like that?
And there are no starving people, are there?
Why are you so angry with me?
What, you think I'm some kind of sap?
No, I don't.
I admire you.
I fell in love with you the very moment I saw you.
I want you to stop lying to me.
All right.
I'll tell you everything.
In 1962--
Well, well, well.
Don't we clean up nice?
Well, hello, Cliff.
How are you this evening?
Not bad...
though I do miss that green sport coat of yours.
Oh, why, thank you, Cliff...
but that's my seat, and I was just about--
Come have a drink up at the bar.
Sure.
Excuse us.
It's all yours.
Please excuse this interruption.
Oh, brother.
Eve, I don't mean to be rude, and, Cliff, please excuse me...
but, Eve, isn't Cliff just a butt with hair?
What?
I'm sorry. And legs-- Legs, butt, and hair.
And shallow as well.
Shallow?
Adam, why don't you go home?
Go back to the hotel.
Yeah, before I kick your ass.
I must warn you, Cliff, I do know how to defend myself.
Oh, do you?
Stop it, you two.
Nice move.
Yeah, he's right. Maybe we shouldn't fight in here.
I agree.
I'm sorry. He was going to...
Maybe we shouldn't fight at all. I mean...
fighting's pretty immature when you think about it.
It certainly is.
I'm leaving.
That's probably a good idea.
I'm sorry.
Well...
good night, everyone.
I'm leaving, too, OK?
And you know what? lf you want help...
you can ask Troy, because I quit.
This is ridiculous.
You're ridiculous, and I'm ridiculous.
I'll buy you another Rob Roy, huh, champ?
Rob Roy for the gentleman.
Well?
He go back to the hotel?
He might have.
What does that mean?
That means that we did not leave together.
Well, who did he leave with?
-What's that to you? -I'm his pimp!
He left with those dancers, didn't he?
You're the psychic.
Eve the psychic pimp.
You tell me.
-Those sluts. -Yeah.
Then again, who isn't a slut these days, huh?
Where are you going?
-To bed. -To bed?
Sure. To bed.
I'm not the one that's in love with the guy.
What?!
Now hold on!
Hold on just a minute.
In the first place...
I do not fall in love with weirdoes...
who I've only known for four or five days.
Yes, you do.
And I don't fall in love with grown men...
who collect baseball cards!
Yes, you do.
Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean.
Yes, you do.
Or have perfect table manners.
You know, I asked him about that.
He said good manners...
are just a way of showing other people...
that we have respect for them.
I didn't know that. I thought it was a way of acting superior.
Oh, and you know what else he told me?
What?
He thinks I'm a gentleman, and you're a lady.
Well, consider the source.
I don't even know what a lady is.
I know. I thought a gentleman was somebody that owned horses.
But it turns out...
the short, simple definition of a lady or a gentleman...
is someone who always tries to make sure...
that the people around him or her...
are as comfortable as possible.
Where do you think he got all that information?
Oh, from the oddest place.
His parents.
I don't think I got that memo from mine.
And now, I suppose, he's trying to make those dancers...
feel as comfortable as possible.
He didn't go home with them.
Well...
He went home with Sophie.
She swept him out of the room...
whispering little French sweet-nothings into his ear.
No, not Sophie. Not Sophie. Don't tell me that.
So whatcha gonna do, go to her place and kick the door in?
You're goddamn right I am.
You coming?
You kidding? Sophie'd kill me.
Coward.
Gentleman coward.
So just scare me, why don't you, you stupid son of a bitch!
I'm really sorry.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on San Vicente Boulevard...
having unsafe sex with that slut Sophie.
I know, and I'm really sorry.
I'm limping!
How attractive is that?!
What if this is for life?
-I--I was just gonna say-- -I know.
-And then she-- -I know, I know.
-And I didn't mean to scare her. -Of course you didn't.
Nothing I do with her ever seems to be right.
That's because...
you're a nice boy...
but what Eve needs is a nice man.
Understand, champ?
Good night.
Good night, Troy.
You still here?
-Let me help you. -No. I can do it myself.
I know more about first aid than you know about baseball cards.
Now give me the stuff and sit down.
Sit!
Let me see.
Give me your knee.
These pants are ruined, right?
I'd say so.
There.
Steady.
There.
Don't be such a baby.
Oh, I'm the baby?
Did, um...
Did you go to Sophie's?
Of course.
And?
She was hospitable.
Hospitable?
But...
it just wasn't where I wanted to be...
so...
I left as politely as I could...
and I found a taxi...
and I told the driver to bring me here...
instead of back to the hotel.
There's a song that Mr. Como sings...
called "On the Street Where You Live."
Do you know it?
Sing it to me.
I have often walked
Down this street before
But the pavement always stayed
Beneath my feet before
All at once am I
Several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street
Where you live
It's a song about a young man...
who's overjoyed...
just to be standing in front of the house...
of the person...
that he loves.
You know, l--
Adam, I know this is stupid...
but humor me.
-Have you ever had sex before? -No...
How is that possible?
You better sit back down.
In 1962, when the bomb was dropped on Los Angeles...
my parents were in our fallout shelter.
That's where I was born.
We only survived because it's a huge shelter...
as far as fallout shelters go.
My father worked on it secretly for years.
When he had to...
he used contractors...
but always from out of state...
and always for only a portion of the job.
He told them it was a secret government experiment...
done through Cal Tech.
Now, my dad's not a liar...
but in this case, he felt he had no choice.
Of course, it had to be kept a secret.
We only had enough supplies...
to last three people for thirty-five years.
The really tricky part was the air-vent system...
but we were able to cut into the flood-control sewer.
We...
What I would like to do...
is to take you with me into the fallout shelter.
We could live there with my mom and dad.
My dad said that if I found a healthy young girl...
that...that I should bring her on down.
Why, Eve...
you look plenty healthy to me.
I think it's time to call a cab.
Oh. Of course. You're absolutely right.
I really shouldn't be over here at this late hour.
Good night, Adam.
Thank you.
God damn, Adam !
Wait a minute.
Oh, look, I'm sorry.
I know. I took the Lord's name in vain again. I--
No. There's an adult bookstore back there.
I'll be right back.
Give us a sign!
-Amen! -Yes!
That's all we ask.
Just give us some sort of sign!
Just show us that we're not alone!
This is, uh...
Hi, Adam. I'm Nina Aron.
-Hello. How do you do? -Very well, thank you.
I'm with the County Family Services Department.
Eve tells me you've been living in a bomb shelter...
most of your life.
Fallout shelter.
There is a difference.
Adam, I'd like to introduce you to my associate Mr. Brown.
We want you to come with us...
so we can talk some more about your experiences.
Come where?
My office.
For how long?
Well, that depends.
Well, I thank you very much for the invitation...
but I'm very busy today.
Perhaps I could see you tomorrow.
I think you should go with Dr. Aron.
I think it's the best thing.
I think it's best for you. I--I do.
All right, Eve. If you say so.
I do.
Could I please just go home?
I was lost, but I found home this morning.
And if I can just go home...
I promise I'll never bother any of you ever again.
Let's go talk first.
Yes Ma'am.
What?!
What was I supposed to do?
He told me he wanted to take me underground.
That's like "Silence of the Lambs."
It's crazy!
Yeah. You did the right thing.
Where you going?
Oh, my God.
All right, don't worry. He'll catch him.
Yes, this is Nina Aron.
I've got a runaway, and I'm going to need police assistance.
-No, you cannot call them. -Honey, I have to.
If a complaint is made and the person resists--
No! I cannot have that!
They'll come with their cars and their guns and--
All right. Calm down.
Now, that young man needs help...
and you need protection from him.
I was frightened!
I didn't know what to think, but, you know...
I believe him.
I think he just--
I really think he wants to go home--
wherever that might be.
Everybody has to calm down.
That's the most important thing.
You can have all my baseball cards...
and don't forget to pay my bills.
Young man, you stop right there!
Stop! Don't get in that truck!
You gotta stop trying to drive this truck.
Thanks for always being happy.
-What? -Gay.
That's my car, you son of a bitch!
Where the hell have you been?
I fell down.
You guys get the license number on that truck?
What are you asking them for? They're as screwed up as he is!
Hey, everybody keep calm. That's the important thing.
Who you talking to, you stupid...
Mom, Dad... I'm home.
I've got almost everything we need.
And this nice man...
Archbishop Melker.
We've met previously.
...and his church group
have volunteered to help bring it down...
but we've gotta hurry.
Are you in trouble, son?
I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist.
A psychiatrist?
It happens.
Oh, my goodness.
How bad is it up there?
Horrible.
There's something on your forehead.
I know.
Is this it?
Well, what are we gonna do with it?
Give it back to him.
And what if we can't find him?
We'll find him.
Well...
Eve, look what I found in the suitcase.
It's stock certificates.
I mean, it's got, like--
It's got, like, IBM and AT&T and Polaroid and...
"Ipana"?
I remember this brand.
I didn't know they still made this.
Oh. Look at this.
It says "Trademark 1961."
Hurry, my friends! We have no time to waste!
The son has spoken!
Let's step it up!
Leave my elevator alone
We're losing a ride!
Purchased in 1958 and '59...
ten thousand shares of each?
They'd be worth millions.
Hell, I don't know.
Millions upon millions...
Upon millions.
The stocks, the baseball cards...
the clothes...
the toothpaste.
The guy's on the level.
Eve, a man walks into your life...
who's the kindest, most polite...
most incredibly rich guy you've ever met.
And I have him committed.
Yes, you did.
Well...
at least I fell for him before I found out he was rich.
That's new.
He said today he knew where home was.
Where'd you guys go this morning?
Just to pick up frozen poultry.
Then?
Then back to the house.
You didn't stop anywhere?
We did. We stopped at a porn shop.
Yeah, we stopped at this adult bookstore.
Adam was very excited to see it.
-Adam was very excited to see porn? -Yes.
Eve, do you think maybe his home is underneath...
a dirty book store in the valley?
This is it?
Yeah. Yeah, this is the place.
Do you have a basement?
Believe me, all the really good stuff is right up front.
Is there a back entrance or something?
Are you kidding? Of course.
Nice kid. Nice kid.
What are we looking for? This is ridiculous.
Why would they put a fallout shelter under a porn shop?
None of this was here back in '62.
Back then this was all, like, cute little homes...
and, you know, fruit orchards.
We've come a long way, haven't we?
I wanna go home.
Yeah. Maybe he'll call, huh?
This is Adam.
Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me.
And...
I wanted to tell you that l...
that, uh...
that I--that I wish so many good things for you.
I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true.
And...
and that-- and that's all I...
And that's all.
Your ride stinks!
Stay outta here, you drunk!
How long you gonna set it for this time?
I thought ten years.
Well, it's...
considerably shorter than before, but...
I was wondering, Calvin, I mean...
why set the locks at all?
I mean, the radiation's gone.
To keep what's up there from getting down here.
It's not radiation I'm worried about.
I would like for you to meet...
Miss Eve Vrustikov.
Adam's told me such wonderful things about you.
Oh, honey...
excuse us, please.
We haven't entertained a guest...
In quite some time.
Oh, Eve, what-- what can I offer you?
Mom, Eve and I have to go.
Oh, Adam, you just got here.
I can't explain right now...
but I want you to set the locks for two months.
You've got more than enough of everything...
and then we'll be right back to get you.
But I don't understand.
And I'm asking you to trust me...
without understanding why.
In that case, of course.
Oh, of course, son.
They really are wonderful parents.
It's truly amazing what you can get done...
when you have unlimited funds.
Do you know you can have whole houses built...
in just a matter of months?
It's like the Garden of Eden, don't you think?
All you have to say is this...
"I don't care what it costs."
And then, of course, you've got to really mean it...
which no one ever does.
It took a while to convince Archbishop Melker...
that Adam wasn't God...
and he was pretty broken up about it, too...
until I showed him my plans...
for Los Angeles' hottest and most original night spot.
It's my goddamned malt shop.
Now let's just figure out what's gonna happen here.
Now I want the whole ownership...
of everything downstairs, right?
I want one of my guys at the door.
Our idea was to bring Adam's parents...
up to the surface very slowly...
make them very comfortable...
and then break the bad news to them...
that there was no nuclear holocaust.
Oh, son.
Have you ever in your life...
seen a son who did more for his parents?
This is beautiful.
It's absolutely beautiful.
Well, uh...
we seem to have everything...
but, you know...
it's not much different...
from a fallout shelter.
No, Calvin.
This is different.
Believe me.
This is great...
son.
Dad, I don't know how to tell you this...
and I was gonna wait for a while to do it, but...
Dad, there was no bomb.
A plane crashed in our backyard.
I looked it up in old newspapers.
-You sure? -Positive.
The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired.
The cold war's over.
What, the politburo...
one day said...
"we give up"?
Yes, just...
That's kinda how it went.
By gosh!
These commies are brilliant.
You have to hand it to them.
No, we didn't drop any bombs.
Oh, yeah. Our evil empire has collapsed. Poor us.
I'll bet...
they even asked the West for aid.
Right?
Um, I think they did.
Oh, boys.
Dinnertime!
Pot roast.
I tell ya.
Funny guy.
-Don't tell your mother. -No.
Adam says that this is simply how things work.
First the parents take care of the children...
and then the children take care of the parents.
He says, historically, that's how it works.
Damn commies.
Whenever Adam gives me...
such obviously incorrect information...
I just smile, slap him on the knee...
and look out the window.
Why spoil his dreams?
They're such wonderful dreams.
www.moviesubtitles.org
Downloaded From www.AllSubs.org